Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
