I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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