I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
