Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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