Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
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