i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Randomize
