i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
