I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
My pussy is not your playground.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Randomize
