im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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