Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
