It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Operation Purity has been aborted
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
