You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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