Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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