I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
