My nipple is on Facebook.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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