i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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