Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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