GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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