she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
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