i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
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