and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
