I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
