In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
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Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
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Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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