I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Randomize
