Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Randomize
