I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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