i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize