i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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