I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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