He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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