could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
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