We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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