her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
