ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
