I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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