I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
