I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Randomize
