dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
So much Jack, so little girl.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
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