I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
