Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
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