Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
