he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
His hands were made for my vagina.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
