You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
