Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize
