Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
