I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize
