i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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