Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
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