Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Randomize
