If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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