Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize