I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Randomize
