She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
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