We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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