She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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