Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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