o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Randomize
