he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
His hands were made for my vagina.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
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